Spontaneous Male Sprouting
by J-Rocker Girl
Summary: Crawford notices a small lump on his leg after a mission. What could it be...? rated for asexual reproduction, hispanic doctors, missing blenders...yaoi YoujiSchu R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: see bio

AN: okay. For those of you that like to pick things apart, this is one of those crazy, stupid humor fics. If you like those, then I commend you! And if you don't like those and you're still reading this…I wish you sanity. And a good serving of chocolate if you read all the way through. Oh, and Crawford's seiyuu is also K's seiyuu (non-Gravi fans, sorry for the confusion.) And as you can probably tell, oh great Spanish-speakers, I only have limited access to accents. Please bear with me.

Chapter 1

Should Have Foweseen This…

Bradley Crawford sat in his appointed patient examination room waiting for Dr. Suarez to get back with his x-ray results.

In the most recent mission that Schwartz had been assigned, the Great Oracle had been issued a vicious slash to the leg…Okay, okay, so it was just a scratch, but it seemed pretty vicious since the wound had begun to infect and grew a small lump on his leg about the shape of a baseball. It didn't hurt, but he had had to resort to wearing shorts almost as short as those hideous pieces of clothing the Weiss chibi wore. He just wanted to know what in Hades it was and how to get rid of it.

"Señor Crawford," a voice came from the door. "Tengo los resultados."

Now was another time he had wished he knew Spanish… "I speak English. I can't speak español," he explained. He wasn't about to make a fool of himself and to speak a language he didn't understand.

"Enfermera Juanita!" Dr. Suarez called out into the hall. "Viene aqui por favor!"

"Si, doctor?" a hispanic woman in uniform asked, walking in.

"Traduce por favor," he said pointing to Crawford. Apparently, this doctor was always in a good mood. Whether it was raining soccer balls of hail or a huge language gap.

"Si, si."

Dr. Suarez repeated the sentence he had said when walking in the door. "Dr. Suarez has the results," the nurse translated.

The doctor and nurse language team went on to explain that the x-rays didn't show anything cancerous or terminal, but they still didn't know what the lump on Crawford's leg was.

But apparently, the rip-off characters from "El Hosptial General" weren't done yet, the doctor had one more question to ask.

"Pero, doctor Suarez, no es posible! El es un hombre!" nurse Juanita exclaimed after the doctor had told her to translate something else.

"Ahora!" the doctor said, turning to Crawford with a very toothy smile which made him want to gag.

"The doctor has asked for your hand in marriage…" the nurse explained reluctantly.

Crawford blinked slowly, trying to think of a good witty remark to get out of this. "Sorry, but that's illegal where I'm from."

The nurse explained to the doctor in their native tongue and the doctor ran off in tears.

"We're thinking of getting rid of him, Mr. Crawford," nurse Juanita assured him. "I wish you luck with your…growth…"

Crawford blinked. Right after the nurse had walked out and he had bandaged his leg again, he had a very vague vision of someone saying the word "Mommy". Why…?

After the random and confusing vision, he had a better one…in which nurse Juanita lodged her bony fist into Dr. Suarez's deranged face.

He shrugged off both visions and headed out the door. At least he knew the doctor would be receiving pain sometime in the…wait…

He looked aver from the exit door to see exactly what he had seen in his second vision, but this came with sound…as in enfermera Juanita ranting and raving at the doctor in not only their native tongue, but some sort of strange dialect.

He shrugged and went out the door. Maybe…someone had some sort of food ready at home…maybe. On second thought, maybe he'd just eat out tonight…

When he finally did arrive at the Schwartz residence, he was greeted by Schuldig. "Gee, Bradiekins, the way you wear that Armani blazer and your dress shirt with your shorts must scare away small children," the orange-haired German said with a knowing smirk.

That son of a…he must have been telepathically spying while he was walking home and saw that group of children run back to their mothers after he handed them their stupid ball back. Little ingrates.

"Did the doctor figure out what it was on your leg?" Nagi asked quietly.

"No, they don't have a clue what it is," Crawford answered. "It just seems to be a useless growth…just like Schuldig." He walked towards his bedroom.

"Hey!" Schuldig shouted after him, but he ignored it, as usual.

That was one pointless doctor's appointment. Nothing of importance happened. Except for the bit of violence against a man he'd rather forget at the very end.

In the end, the whole day had given him an immense headache. He mused over whatever the lump on his leg could be as he unwrapped the bandage from the offending limb. The bandage came in handy in public, but it just built up unwanted pressure when he was at home…

Plus, having a headache, and sitting a dark room just made him want to sleep…

Crawford twitched in his sleep…what was that annoying feeling…? Someone was…poking his leg…?

He slowly sat up and turned his bedside lamp on. "Quit it," he said, firmly, taking a knife away from the insane Irishman. "What are you doing in my room? And how did you get out of your straight jacket?"

"I dislocated both shoulders," Farfarellow said, popping his neck. "What did the doctor say?" he asked, bringing his head back into place with both hands.

Crawford put a hand up to his face. "He doesn't know what it is. Now get out!" he ordered, pointing to the door.

"Wait…it's…moving," Farf said, poking it with his finger.

"What are you—" Brad started, but…surprisingly, the growth on his leg WAS moving. "What in the world…?" he asked. The growth had grown to the size of a basketball and was now squirming around.

Finally, the squirming stopped and something…fell out of the lump.

"I should have foweseen dis…" a small voice declared as what looked like a small version of Crawford stood up and looked around the room.

It wasn't just that it looked like Brad that made the American business man and the Irish blasphemer stare, though. Chibi-Brad was decked out in a small Armani suit, carried a miniature suit case and pushed up a pair of tiny glasses.

"Hm…" Farfarellow started. "I know!"

Crawford groaned. He was definitely not in the mood for Farfie's mad ravings…

"I'll call you Aaron!"

"What!" Crawford asked. "What possessed you to name him Aaron?"

"It's a Celtic name," the Celtic man concluded. "And there are no saints named Aaron. At least I don't think there are."

"I wike dat name!" Aaron announced with a smile.

"Must be your hidden emotions, Bradiekins," Schuldig's voice came from the door.

Nagi's voice asked something inaudible.

"Nah, we both lost…" Schuldig answered.

"You were betting on it weren't you?" Crawford inquired, giving the telepath his ever-famous Crawford glare.

"Yeah. I thought it was some infected bug bite and Nagi said it was some tumor that would turn out to be terminal and grow organs and stuff."

"It grew organs, but it's not a tumor," Nagi concluded.

The three sane members of the assassin troop turned to the sound of a child's laughter.

"Farf, whatcha doin'?" Schuldig asked.

Farfarellow caught Aaron in mid-air and turned to his ally. "Spontaneous male sprouting hurts God"

"Hm…" the German said thoughtfully. "Of, course, you know, Bradiekins…you know what this means…"

Crawford rubbed his temples. He had a feeling whatever he was going to say he heard before.

"You're a mommy!"

Of course, he had been prepared, and pulled an over-sized oozy from his Armani jacket that he hadn't bothered changing out of. "What was that?"

Schuldig sweat-dropped. Apparently the mood swings were coming a little late in the game. But with the huge barrel of the gun staring him in the face, he just backed out of the room. "'Night, Bradiekins!"

Nagi only rolled his eyes and walked out after him.

"You get out, too," he said, turning his aim to Farf.

He blinked. He knew it would hurt him or anything, but Brad seemed to be in a bad mood. So, he plopped Aaron back on his bed and left.

"Nagi, Schuldig, put him back in his straight jacket!"

Two simultaneous moans and grumbles could be heard from the closed door.

Aaron yawned long and loudly. "'Night, mommy," he said, cuddling up to Crawford.

Crawford glared off into space. At least the little bugger was safest in his room. Schuldig would teach him God only knew what, Farfarellow would end up trying to raise him himself, and he didn't want to think of what Nagi would do if he got on his nerves.

The precog shook his head, coming back to himself. Did he just have a maternal moment!

"Hey, kid—" he started, but didn't finish. Aaron was already asleep and had himself firmly attached to his mommy's arm.

Crawford blinked slowly and thoughtfully yet again. He turned off the light, placed the oozy back in his jacket, and went to sleep.

AN: how does he keep it in there? How does K keep his arsenal hidden for that matter? For those non-Gravi fans out there, K is a former member of the secret service. And both he and his wife are trigger-happy. And American if you didn't notice. And yes, K's seiyuu is Crawford's seiyuu. Hope you likey. And don't forget to review!


	2. Freaky Clone Juice

AN: just to comment to review # 1 I got in Chapter 1…My sense of humor stretches to all horizons. If that makes any sense. And, I've never seen an entire alien movie from start to finish in my life. Not a big fan of sci-fi ;) But I'm glad you're willing to be open-minded if anything

And to review # 2: yes, I am going to continue, as you can see, and I'm planning on two sequels (evil laugh). And thank you for the compliment

Chapter 2

Freaky Clone Juice

Crawford tapped his finger on his forehead as he sat completely and utterly annoyed. He had developed another growth on his arm this time…come to think of it, he had gotten a scratch on that very same place from the very same mission.

That idiotic mission was set in a cloning lab of all places where some mad scientist had created air-borne clone juice or something. That entire mission was so confusing and it was so dark in the lab, he hadn't even identified who he was fighting. It seemed there were two other people in the room, but he could only defend himself with his own small knife and the visions he had had before.

Whatever the case, it looked like there would be yet another addition to the Schwartz household, for lack of a better term.

The only difference from the lump on his leg was that it came from a scratch slightly smaller and it developed after Aaron came into being. And, like Aaron, it was now around the size of a basketball.

Speaking of his teammates, they were on yet another mission, and had left him to baby-sit Aaron, who was watching Southpark tapes that Schuldig had recorded. If anything, it was some sort of look into American sub-culture.

Oddly enough, Aaron had begun to grow into what looked like a pre-teen even though he was only a week old. He was even tall enough to fit Nagi's school uniforms. At least he knew the boy was his…

"Uncle Schuldig said this is from America," Aaron said, tilting his head as the badly animated characters played their way across the screen. "Aren't you from America, Dad?"

"Yes, sometimes unfortunately," Crawford answered his sproutling. "You don't have to watch that toxic drivel if you don't want to."

"Do you think that thing on your arm will be a girl this time?" Aaron asked curiously. "That's what Uncle Farf said."

"Your Uncle Farfarellow is mentally disturbed. I wouldn't exactly take everything he says to heart."

"I kinda figured that after the speech about the glory of knives and heresy of God…" the smaller version of him said with a sweat-drop. "What happened to him?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

"But I age everyday."

"Then ask your uncle, I'm not about to explain Berserker to you."

Aaron suddenly pasted a wide grin to his face. "Speaking of codenames…"

"No."

"But, Dad, Uncle Nagi's not that much older than me."

"No."

"Come on, I have same powers as you."

"No."

"And I'm not as stupid as Uncle Schuldig."

"You have a good point, but no."

"I wanna know who these Weiss people are and why we take so much joy in making them suffer, please?"

"It's not nice to beg, Aaron. Wait a few days, I'm sure Estet will force you to join."

"If you don't let me I'll ask you awkward questions."

"You're a clone; I'm your mother and also your father; and other kids have two parents because they're emotionally unstable." Now that one he had seen coming.

"Then why do I have three uncles? I know I'm not unstable."

"Because your Uncle Farfarellow cancels out any instability you may have, your Uncle Nagi is so quiet, he's almost non-existent, and your uncle Schuldig counts for the female half of parenting because I'm pretty sure he's gay."

The American gave an evil smirk as a 'No, I'm not!' blasted through his mind.

'You may not be yet…'

'Oh, and are you going to make me that way?'

'Nah, I'll leave that to Balmese…'

'It was just that once!' Schuldig thought at Crawford, but it was too late. 'I mean, uh…we're almost done with the mission and…uh…you're kid better not have messed up that tape!'

'Get back to work, Master Mind,' he responded.

"Dad."

The telepath aside, now was the time to think of college for Aaron. He had actually gotten glimpses of a future Aaron, and he seemed to stop aging at Crawford's own age. Harvard? Ah, his old alma mater.

"Dad…"

Or maybe one of those smaller universities in Louisiana, they could teach him great social skills. People who can barely speak English, which Aaron was already fluent in, of course usually attended said schools.

"Dad…?"

He had even heard of a foreign language teacher that wore colored wigs to match her outfits. There was even a history professor that admitted how cold and foreboding his own room was.

"Dad!"

"What!"

"Your arm is…wiggling…"

"Not again…"

"We're back, Aaron!" Farfarellow announced with a big smile on his face. "Have you been studying your knives?" He stopped as he noticed something fall from Crawford's arm. "IT'S A GIRL! I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!" he rejoiced.

Sure enough, a little girl that looked identical to Brad and Aaron blinked and looked up at Farfarellow. "Daddy?"

"Imprinting," Nagi said simply.

"Sh-she called me Daddy!" Farfarellow gushed, picking the girl up in a hug.

"She's not mine…" Crawford groaned, putting his face in his hands.

"I'll call you Erin!"

"That's my name," Aaron said, confused.

"Uh-uh. E-R-I-N. It's a girl's name and…"

"It's Celtic," everyone chimed in unison with the exception of little Erin.

He finally got over Farfarellow gushing over his second sproutling when Crawford heard another telepathic message from Schuldig. 'I think Aaron should have a little lesson since you've kept him locked up since he sprouted.'

"Aaron, this is a girl," the German explained slowly, pointing to Erin.

"Yeah, I know, Uncle Schuldig. And you're not romantically interested in them, are you?"

"It was just that once…" he muttered.

"Alternative lifestyles hurt God," Farfie declared.

"What big words mean?" Erin asked with swirls in her eyes.

"Farfarellow opened his mouth to explained, but Crawford snatched Erin away. "We'll save that for later…

AN: may be willing to go with Schu/Youji thing going. Don't know. That was a very interesting conversation, no? Anyways, thankies for the reviews. Please give me more. Please? Reviews make me happy.


	3. Hagen Das and Golf Clubs

AN: brace yourself. It gets weirder from here :) If that's possible

Chapter 3

Hagen Das and Golf Clubs

Schuldig was already a little annoyed while walking down familiar streets. Crawford had yet another growth on his arm. Did that mean that this one be another girl? And would she look like Crawford, too? Besides that, the stupid video store didn't that episode of "Family Guy" that he had been waiting to come in! What did it take to get imported cartoons around this town!

Eh, it didn't matter. Braddie was having bad mood swings with it, whatever it was. So, since Nagi was at school and Schu just wanted to get away from Crawford in general, he had let Farfarellow play with Erin and Aaron while he was gone.

And what was with all the stupid gay jokes for crying out loud!

He stopped in his tracks when a very suggestive voice said, "Hey…"

The telepath slowly turned his head to meet the face that went with the voice. "What do you want, Balmese?" he asked in about as much of a no-nonsense voice as he could. He didn't notice that he was walking past the Koneko…or that it was closed. That was why there was no mob of fangirls crowding the doorway.

"Oh," Youji said in mock surprise. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Why must you stalk me…?"

"Looks like you're the one doing the stalking."

"Look, I don't have time for this, I have to get to the other side of town before that video store closes! Besides, you're the gay one, not me."

"Hm…didn't seem that way last week."

Schuldig twitched. "I was drunk and high at the same time. I don't REMEMBER last week!"

"I don't know…you must have remembered it, you're reacting to it…"

Meanwhile…

"Dad," Aaron said crossing his arms and sitting in front of Crawford's desk. "We need to talk."

"About what, son?" Crawford asked, going back to whatever he was doing.

"I can't fit Uncle Nagi's clothes anymore," he said through his teeth, pushing his prescription glasses up.

The American precog looked up at the younger version of himself. He was apparently at the physical stage of a teenager…and Nagi's clothes looked more like a short-sleeve shirt and soccer shorts than a winter school uniform.

Bradley cradled his head in his hands. "Go put on some of my clothes for the time being. That's just disturbing…" Aaron looked too much like him…and the sight of himself in Nagi's clothes…

Aaron nodded and went into his father's bedroom.

"Let's see…" he said to himself. He opened Crawford's closet. "Armani, Armani, Armani…more Armani…argh. Get some originality, Dad…" he grumbled.

"Aaron-kun, whatcha up to?" his sister's voice asked from the doorway.

Aaron turned around and walked out of the closet.

Erin jumped back in surprise. "Ew…I hope I'm not that scrawny when I get to be you're your age…Out-grown Uncle Nagi's clothes, huh?" she asked.

"Yeah, you're lucky Uncle Schuldig will put up with you enough to take you shopping." Enough picking on the little sister. Time for some tact. "Anyway, I need help. I haven't developed a taste for Armani yet. Look through the rest of the room."

Erin shrugged and went to one of Crawford's chest of drawers.

Aaron, headed for the back of the closet. Maybe, just maybe there was something that wasn't Armani.

Aaron stopped his search when he heard his sister start to laugh hysterically.

"What is it?" he asked, coming out of the closet.

"Wear this, wear this!" the girl squealed, throwing something over her brother's head.

She stopped and looked at the spectacle and began to roll on the ground in laughter.

Aaron tugged on the shirt he was now wearing. It was covered in exotic flowers and toucans. A Hawaiian shirt? What the…? The gaudy shirt added to the clothes he was already wearing, he looked like some sort of naïve tourist.

"Keep looking, squirt!" he snapped, throwing the clothing on Erin who was still wrapped up in fits of laughter.

Crawford looked up when Aaron and Erin walked in. Aaron was wearing what looked like a shirt that had gone through too many paint jobs and a pair of blue jeans to match.

"What? No Armani? Are you sure you're my clone?"

"Dad…I have the mind of a teenager, Armani gives me nightmares."

"Well put. Oh, Estet has decided to make you an add-on of some sort."

"I knew it, I knew it!" Erin chirped, bouncing up and down. "I had a vision and everything!"

"Unfortunately, Erin-chan, you're not old enough to be officially part of the team."

The girl bowed her head, her glasses edging towards the end of her nose. She didn't want them to fog up.

Crawford sighed. Why was she so good at the puppy eyes? "But, I'll force your Uncle Schuldig to take you to get your ears pierced."

"Yay!"

"What's my codename!" Aaron demanded, getting excited as well.

"Your codename is—"

"Hagen Das!" a voice came from the hallway, cutting him off.

"That's a stupid codename…"

A certain orange-haired German stormed into the room and slammed his fists on Bradley's desk. "I WANT HAGEN DAS!"

"Then get it yourself…"

Everyone turned their attentions to Crawford's arm as it started to twitch and wriggle yet again.

thirty seconds later

"What the…?" Crawford and Aaron questioned at the same time.

"Aww…she's so cute!" Erin chimed in.

Schuldig stared at the newly sprouted sproutling. "GOLF CLUBS!" he screamed, taking cover under Crawford's desk.

Sitting on top of said American's desk was a smaller, female version of said German under said American's desk.

And in her tiny grasp was half a gallon of Hagen Das and two golf clubs.

After examining these items, the chibi-Schu gave the golf clubs a scared look and threw them out the window with a shriek.

Farfarellow, who had come from the kitchen when he heard the scream, shriek, and the shattering glass, took the child in his arms. "I'll call her—"

Before Farfie could finish his sentence, though, Schuldig darted up from Crawford's desk and grabbed his own personal clone in his arms. "Margot! Her name is Margot! Isn't it, my little babe magnet—er, I mean my little darling…?"

"Ma-goh!"

"No fair!" Farf declared with a pout.

"Margot and I are going for a walk," Schuldig announced, starting for the door and stopped when he saw Aaron. "You should come with, kid, you look like you were in a fight with a Home Depot employee and lost miserably."

"No thanks, Uncle Schuldig."

"Eh, okay," the telepath said with a shrug, heading out again.

"No!" Crawford suddenly cried. "She's my baby, too!"

Aaron and Erin started laughing and Schuldig gave Crawford a weird look.

"I mean…uh…"

"Say 'bye, bye, Mommy," Schuldig said happily, giving Braddie a small wave.

Margot imitated. "Bye, bye, Mommy!" she said with a giggle as Schuldig left.

A very irritated Crawford sat back down in his office chair.

A very bummed Farfie left his office.

And two very excited and amused Aaron and Erin waiting silently for their father to say something.

Crawford's mood, however, brightened when he saw what was in store for Schuldig as he wandered the streets.

"Your codename is Prophecy."

"Cool."

"Uncle Schuldig's going to have a bad day, isn't he?" Erin asked with a giggle.

"Yup," Aaron started. "And the best thing is he doesn't see it coming"

"I'm in such a good mood, let's put the Irishman back in his straight jacket and go to the mall for some non-Armani clothes and some holes in Erin-chan's head."

"I love you, Daddy!" Erin said, giving her dad a hug.

at the Koneko…

Schuldig was confused. What with all the women coming up and gushing over at Margot's "foreign name" and how cute their father-daughter outfits looked, he should have had at least fifty numbers by now, but every one of them shied away once he gave them his name.

"Well, it can't be you, can it, Margot?" he asked, taking another bite from the Hagen Das that Margot had come with.

Margot shook her head with a spoon sticking out of her mouth. She cocked her head to the right and took the spoon out of her mouth. "Daddy, who he?" she asked, pointing to a certain blond-haired assassin.

"Call me Uncle Balmese, kid," Youji said, patting her on the head.

"You know, you should go for the flat-haired look, too, Master Mind," a certain redheaded assassin commented as he walked into the flower shop. "That orange mop must be distracting…"

"This is Margot," Schuldig explained after Aya had walked in. Then, sudden genius struck. This could be away to prove he wasn't gay…or it could blow up in his face… "She's my girlfriend's daughter. We're getting married in a month."

"Really now…?"

"But I don't think you can marry Mommy. He's too funny-lookin'!"

"Yeah, he is funny-lookin', isn't he Margot?" Youji asked with a grin. He turned around and led in a miniature version of himself, also of the opposite gender. "This is Mikiyo. Her mommy's too funny-lookin' for me to marry, too."

"I TOLD you…" Aya said, peeking his head out. "Don't call me that!" he snapped, going back in.

Schuldig set Margot down and began a heated argument with Youji.

The Schwartz chibi shrugged and waved to the Weiss chibi before running into the flower shop.

Where was he…? She ran around until she found the tall red-haired guy.

Mikiyo ran up behind her. "That's my Mommy!" Youji's clone announced.

"But…You're not funny-lookin'…" Schuldig's clone pondered.

Aya turned around. "What in the…?"

"You're cute!" she squealed, attaching herself to his leg.

Ken and Omi turned around with awestruck looks on their faces.

But this is one story that this authoress will save for the sequel…

"I'm taking my child and leaving…" Schuldig growled, walking into the flower shop and taking Margot.

"Master Mind…do you mind!" a familiar voice growled from the ground.

Schuldig actually paid attention to his surroundings for once and noticed that Margot had a firm hold on Aya's leg. Of course, this had caused Abyssinian to topple to the ground.

"I'll help you, Aya!" Ken declared, taking a hold of his great and fearless leader's waist. "I'll pull you away from mini-Mind!"

"Let go of me…"

"Ken, let go of Aya," Omi said, walking out. "The fangirls will get the wrong idea."

Ken blinked at the thought of the mob taking it upon themselves to make sure that his and Aya's "relationship" didn't go down the tubes. Scary.

He let go.

"No fraternizing with the enemy, Margot," Schuldig said, waving a finger at his "daughter".

Margot shot up a guilty smile and let go of Aya's leg.

Schuldig started off again when Youji called after him. "So, are we still on for Saturday!"

"No!" the telepath screamed back.

"Okay, I'll pick you up at seven!"

"I won't be there!"

AN: hooray, another week another chapter. Yay. So, what do you think of Margot-chan? Oh, and if you're wondering, I typed up the last half of the chapter while listening to funky Underworld music featuring David Bowie. Scary old man…I didn't listen to him very much…


	4. When Fridges Learn to Fly

AN: thankies for the reviews, as always. And to answer your question…sort of. I figured it would be pretty boring if Crawfie just sprouted little Crawfies, or just stopped sprouting altogether. So, we have other chibis. Sorry if Margot-chan was a little confusing ;; Oh, and Omi's a bit out of character. My rpg in yahoo inspired me for him. And that's a humor rpg.

Chapter 4

When Fridges Learn to Fly: Not is Not Tot

Nagi looked up at the computer screen. Time for a report. He didn't really feel like typing it out with his fingers… (AN: lucky!) so, he just telekinetically moved the keys to his liking.

He was writing a paper on the life of Shakespeare. Easy topic enough. 'Let's see…Shakespeare was born and raised in—' his thoughts were very rudely interrupted with a loud "Oi! Chibi! Get me something out of the fridge!"

'—Stratford-upon-Avon and was educated in—'

"Hey, chibi…" the German's sing-song voice rang through the apartment again. "Margot wants something, too!"

'—Latin, grammar, and—"

"Hey, am I talking to a brick wall or what!"

That did it! If Schuldig wanted something out of the fridge so bad…why didn't he just have the whole thing!

"Uncle Nagi, don't do it!" Erin screamed, running in. "We're still paying for the fridge and Margot-chan's still so young!"

"Uncle Schu, dad says to get up off your lazy rump and get something out of the fridge yourself," Aaron called from the hall.

"Master Mind! Get up off your lazy rump and get something out of the fridge yourself!" Crawford's voice added.

"See?"

"Know-it-all…" Margot's little voice carried rather well through the crowded apartment.

"Sorry to bug you, uncle Nagi," Erin said with a sweat-drop, walking out of the room

Schuldig shrugged and headed to the kitchen with Margot. But…the contents of the fridge were scattered on the floor. And the fridge looked like it had been slashed repeatedly with the best knives available.

"Oi, Farf," he said, opening the fridge to find the Irishman fast asleep in the empty refrigerator.

The madman shielded his eyes from the light. "Wha?"

"What are you…doing in the fridge?" Margot inquired.

The silver-haired man shook his head and walked outside. "I had the best dream! I had a dream that I went to a church confessional and completely destroyed it! But…the priest inside felt like cold, raw chicken."

The smaller female version of Master Mind picked up a big blob of meat that was wrapped in shredded aluminum foil "There goes dinner…"

'Oh, Bradiekins…' Schuldig sent telepathically.

'Order it yourself, I'm busy!'

"Margot-chan, you get to learn how to order pizza!" he told the little orange-haired girl.

"But I thought you and uncle Balmese were going out for pizza tonight," Erin said smugly.

"And who told you that?"

Erin smiled widely as the doorbell rang.

"Erin-chan!" Crawford's voice called from his office.

"Coming, dad!" she said, skipping off to her father' study.

"Estet has contacted me and said that—"

"My codename! What is it? Fire Dragon? Invisible Butterfly? Something with originality?"

"Prophet."

"Oh," Erin said, bowing her head. "At least I have one…" she said, tilting her head.

"Now you're starting to think like me," Crawford said with a satisfied nod.

"Hello?" Nagi asked flatly, opening the door, revealing none other than Balmese. "We don't want any, thanks," he said, starting to close the door telekinetically, but Youji caught the door and held on. "I have an appointment."

"Uncle Youtan!" Margot screamed, running in, giving him a hug as Nagi let the door swing loose again.

"Hey, kiddo!" Youji said with a laugh, giving Margot a hug back. "Where's your dad?"

"Hiding from you…hey, can I come to the flower shop and practice what you taught me with Uncle Ayan?" she asked, letting go, and looking innocent as she could.

"I wanna come, too," Erin volunteered. "I haven't seen Miya-chan in a while. She still wants that chess rematch."

"Okay, I'll drop everyone off on the way as soon as one of you lovely young ladies grabs my date for me," he said, keeping his charming grin spread all over his face.

"Papa!" Margot called, running off, dragging Schuldig along with her. "Come on, dad, Uncle Youtan doesn't bite! You might enjoy yourself for once!"

Nagi telekinetically closed the door again as they made their way off. It was good not to have so many women in one spot for once. He turned around and caught his mp3 player as it flew into his hands, but turned around again when the door opened. "Nagi!" a familiar voice chimed in. "Tot had a baby!" the hyper assassin he had grown so accustomed to exclaimed joyfully, holding up a small version of herself.

Knowing his situation, logic would have said that Tot was simply cloning off like Crawford, but teenage hormones assumed the worst, and he fell to the floor unconscious.

"Nagi, Nagi wake up and see Tot's baby!" Tot's voice boomed through his ears. "Please?" Nagi opened his eyes and looked around. He sat up and reorganized his thoughts.

"Are you sure you HAD the baby?" he asked just to make sure.

"Yes!" Tot said, sitting down on the floor next to him, cuddling her clone. "Tot took a nap this afternoon and Tot's baby was there when Tot woke up. Tot calls her Not, because she is not Tot!" she answered with a bright smile.

"Oh. Okay. She's very pretty. Just like you," he said with a small smile. Nagi didn't remember Tot being pregnant…maybe she was part of the mission with Crawford, too? "Where did Not come out?" he finally asked.

"Oh! Tot has a skinned knee, and Tot's knee grew Not!" She explained it as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I thought so," he said, standing up.

"Here, Nagi can hold Not," she said, handing her sproutling to him.

Not giggled as Nagi took her in his arms. She even had Tot's outfit on, along with the large ringlet-pig tails. "Daddy!" she squealed, throwing her small arms around his neck.

"Nagi, Nagi!" Farfarellow shouted, running in. "The bull's out of the pin!" He stopped and shook his head. "I mean, Crawford had another baby!"

"Hey, Aunt Tot," Aaron said, walking by.

"Don't be silly!" Tot said with a laugh. "Aaron is much bigger than Tot! Tot is not Aaron's aunt!"

Aaron nodded and gave Tot a smile before walking off again.

Nagi walked to Crawford's office, Not still in his arms, and Tot following. He stopped dead in his tracks and twitched when Tot squealed over the new arrival. "Tot wants to name this one Tagi!" she announced.

Nagi thought on that a minute. Nagi and Tot. Tagi and Not. 'Makes sense,' he thought with a shrug.

"And we have our third and final operative present in the lab, I suppose," Crawford said, observing Not. "Tot, do you happen to have any other injuries?"

"Yes," Tot said, playing with a squirming Tagi. "Tot has a skinned knee and a skinned elbow." She stopped and a bright smile flashed across her face. "Will Tot have more babies like Crawford!"

"I guess we'll see," Crawford said with a smile, directing a more malicious smile to Nagi as if to demand that everyone leave.

"Come on, let's go for a walk, I think Tagi and Not are hungry," Nagi suggested.

"Tot is so happy," Tot said, cuddling with Tagi. "Tagi looks so much like Nagi, Tot has two Nagis!"

"And Not looks so much like Tot, Nagi has two Tots," Nagi said, knowing what he said was rather ambiguous when he thought about it, but he was pretty sure Tot got the idea.

"Cheesy," Tagi chided at Nagi.

"Pizza sounds good," Nagi said, twisting what the chibi had said.

"But Tagi and Not are so small," Tot said, tilting her head. "Can Tagi and Not eat pizza?"

"I guess we'll see," he said with a shrug as they passed the Koneko no Sumi Ie.

They stopped when half the mob of fangirls hanging around turned their attention to Nagi and Tot. Nagi's eyes widened when they all started asking them questions about being so young but having a family and when did they meet, and who they were.

Somehow, the fangirls had grabbed Omi and pushed him forward. They kept going on about how he had a baby and they kept babbling, and finally, Omi shouted, "Excuse me!"

The fangirls stopped and listened. "Breathing room please?"

The fangirls went away and Nagi could see that Bombay had a small, female version of himself clinging to his leg. "Hi," he said sarcastically. "What, might I ask, have I done to deserve the pleasure?"

"Pizza," Nagi growled. He always knew that genki thing was only an act.

Tot gasped and squatted down to see the smaller Omi. "What is Bombay's baby's name?"

"Kyomi," Omi said proudly.

"Dir en Grey?" Nagi asked.

"Yeah, what's your clone's name, Miyagi?"

"No, but close."

"Look, Nagi, Tagi likes Kyomi!"

Nagi looked down and saw that Tagi was pulling away from Kyomi, who was making faces at him.

"'Tagi?'" Omi asked, screwing up his face in askance.

"Yes, I happen to like that name…" Nagi muttered. He made it to where every heavy plant in the flower shop began to rumble. "Don't you?"

"Come on, Kyomi, Uncle Aya will get mad if we stay out here too long," Omi said, scooping up Kyomi and walking back in, keeping a smile on his face the whole time for the fangirls.

AN: Okay, my shoulder hurts and I'm tired. Have fun and read and review as always.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Santa Fé

Crawford woke up rather groggy and irritated…but…when did he not? He stood up from the bed and slowly got dressed, avoiding bumping the large lump on his arm. He knew what it meant, and he knew what it would end up looking like. He just wasn't ready for—

"Has it hatched yet, has it hatched yet!" Farfarellow exclaimed, running in, practically jumping for joy.

"No, it hasn't hatched yet, now get out of my room and let it incubate," the leader of Schwartz growled.

"Okay…Do you know where Schuldig is?" he asked before he walked out.

"And why should I know that?"

"Margot and I stayed up waiting for him and he never showed up."

Crawford shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Margot walked up and took Farf's arm. "I bet Uncle Youtan knows. We should go tot eh flower shop just to make sure, ne? Let's leave Uncle Braddy alone," she said with a big smile, walking him out.

'For now…' Margot added mentally, and rather smugly at that.

Crawford flatly watched as the two went out. He just hoped the growth didn't start wiggling soon. He straightened himself up and combed his hair a bit. He walked out of his personal bathroom and noticed that his door was still ajar and that his growth on his arm was no longer there.

"Oh, no…there's two of him out there…" he grumbled.

Margot was walking down the street that led to the Koneko. She knew the whole name of it, but she didn't feel like using it all the time. Farfarellow seemed to have some sort of mixed emotions, from what his readings were telling her from his mixed…thoughts.

She looked over on the other side of the street, almost blocking out Farf's ramblings, when she noticed something out of her peripheral vision.

"Hey…Uncle Farf….there's something on your head," she said, noticing what exactly it was.

Farfarellow stopped in mid-step as if noticing the pressure on his cranium. He looked up and stopped talking completely.

A chibified version of himself stared back at him. Neither of them knew exactly what gender it was until it said something. "Daddy?"

"It's a girl!" Farf squealed, taking the child off his head and cuddling it. The miniature version of himself even had a small eye patch which was lifted to show that there was no real purpose for it.

"I'm gonna call you Faye!"

"Isn't that a name of a—"

"Ssshh!" he said, putting a finger to her lips. "Don't tell her!"

Faye blinked in confusion and looked at Margot after a while and said, "Mommy?"

"No," Margot said with a giggle. "I'm your Aunt Margot."

"We're gonna go see your Uncle Schu!" Farf exclaimed happily.

"'Shoe'?" Faye asked, lifting her foot and pointing to her footwear.

"No…Uncle Schuldig. He's MY daddy."

"Oh…" Faye said, looking around. "Shoe uncle?" she asked, still pointing to the foot in question

"Well, if you want it to be!" Farfarellow said with a smile before Margot could explain.

"Uncle Shoe," she said, pointing to one foot. "Aunt Boot," she said, pointing to the other.

Margot laughed again. "Oh, here it is!" she said, walking into the flower shop, being bombarded by fangirls.

They had decided to bug them and chastise them about having a baby, because there was such an age difference. "No, no, no!" Margot spoke up. "I'm his niece! We're here to see my dad!"

"Yup, this is my niece, Margot!" Farfarellow said, beaming.

"Wait…" one fangirl said. "I remember a guy with a little girl named Margot, and she didn't look any older than her!" she said, pointing to Faye.

"It's a family name," Margot said, placing her hands on her hips. "Now get out my way, I wanna see my dad!"

The fangirls eventually moved out of the way so that they walked past Ken and a smaller version of himself at the counter, and finally got to the back where the housing part of the shop was. "Hi, Uncle Ayan!" Margot said excitedly, running up and giving Aya a kiss on the cheek after throwing her arms around his neck. She let go and started for the stairs.

"Ooooo….Uncle Ayan's gettin' busy!" Kyomi said from the side. She was sitting next to Omi and had a very smug expression on her face.

Omi lifted a hand and Kyomi gave him a high five.

"Shut up, Bombay…."

"But, I didn't say anything," Omi said, mock innocently.

"Papa!" Margot called, walking down the hall. "Papa, where are you!"

"Ssshh!" a voice said as a door opened.

"Papa?"

"Ssshh!" Schuldig repeated, walking up. His hair was more tussled than usual and he looked like he had gotten dressed in quite a hurry.

"Where do you think you're running off to?" Youji's voice asked as the owner of said voice walked up and leaned against the door frame.

"Aunt Boot," Margot said to Faye, pointing to Youji.

Faye giggled and Youji's face grew confused. "What?"

"Nothing, Uncle Youtan. You two got busy last night!" Margot said rather smugly, giving her father a lop-sided smirk.

Schuldig groaned. He'd never hear the end of it. "Yup. And this time, he only had to be half-way drunk," Youji said, putting an arm around his better half's shoulder.

"Yay, yay!" Margot said with a laugh. "You didn't hurt him, did you, Uncle Youtan?"

"Don't think so…maybe you should check when you get home. I gotta get dressed and get to work."

Schuldig's eyes bulged and he jumped as Youji turned around.

Margot giggled. She had heard that smack. "Let's go home the back way, Papa. The front's pretty scary."

"Sure…Farf…what's that?" he asked as they started down the hall way again.

"Uncle Shoe?" Faye asked.

"Yes, this is Uncle Shoe." Farfarellow said with a bright smile. "This is Faye. Wanna hold her?" he asked, holding her out.

"No thanks, Farf," Schu said after giving Faye a good looking over. "You keep her for yourself."

"Papa, what's that?" Margot asked, pointing to Schuldig's arm, which had a small slash down it.

"N-nothing," he said, covering it with his sleeve. "Let's get some breakfast, I'm starved!"

Margot rubbed her chin in thought…was it her, or did the slash on Schuldig's arm look like it was…infected? Come to think of it, Youji had a similar scratch on his shoulder… She shook her head. Couldn't be. Could it?

"And, then, on the way home, she ripped a hole in a nun's habit! And when the nun turned around, she knocked over a priest who was talking to a school girl! She's so talented!"

Crawford held his head as he listened to Farfarellow's ramblings about his adventures with his new clone. "That's all good and well, but where are Schuldig and Margot?"

"They're probably wasting valuable time somewhere…" Nagi suggested as he walked in, looking at his small mp3 player.

"I need a location of sorts, Prodigy…"

Nagi shrugged and plugged himself in, mouthing along to a Miyavi song, going about his own business.

"Ah…I forget exactly where they said they were going after breakfast…" Farfarellow said, scratching his head.

"Beer!" Faye pointed out, who was seated on Farf's shoulders.

"Oh, yeah, that's right! Schu said he was taking Margot for her first beer!"

"Ew," Erin said with a small shiver. "Japanese beer is awful, I hope he took her to a good bar!" She looked up at Crawford who was giving her a very flat look. "You said I could!"

"I was half asleep! …But I suppose you're old enough now."

"Knowing Schuldig, he probably took her to Germany just for the experience," Aaron added. "Or at least the only German bar in town."

"Probably," Crawford said, but stopped when Nagi danced himself back into the room, still mouthing to the same song.

The teenager stopped when he noticed everyone was staring at him.

"'Joushou Gaidou'," he and Tagi answered simultaneously. (AN: "Joushou Gaidou" is one of Miyavi's songs. Nagi's a Miyavi fanboy for this fic.)

"Oh!" Farfarellow exclaimed. "I thought I was looking at you cross-eyed, Nagi, I didn't even notice Tagi was with you!"

Nagi stopped while Tagi gave him an evil smirk. The truth was, no one even knew if Tagi was going to grow as old as Crawford, or if he would stop with Nagi…he didn't like the odds either way.

Everyone stopped what they were doing altogether, when the door smashed open, revealing…something…they didn't really know what….not until Erin, Aaron, and Crawford spoke up, that is.

"Schuldig, what is he doing here!"

Said German rolled off the opposing assassin and rubbed his head in pain. "Wwwwhat?"

"Sssshhhh!" Margot said, stumbling in. She didn't seem to be as drunk as Schuldig or Youji, but she had definitely shot a few back. "I think he has a headache," she said, regaining some of her composure. "I don't see how he's so intolerant, though, I took it just fine…and it was my first drink!" She shrugged, and almost gracefully found her way to the kitchen. "Oh," she said, taking hold of the door frame before continuing. "He just now came out of his denial stage, so go easy on him, okay? And…don't I have a new codename coming up today? What is it!"

"It should…" Crawford started. "Be Madam Lulu. But, it's Babylon."

"Faye, don't!" Schuldig's slurred voice emitted from the door way.

Everyone directed their attention to the newly-awakened telepath who quickly yanked away a golf club from Faye's tiny grasp. "What?" he asked, looking around at everyone. "She was gonna hit him with it!" He stopped and looked at what exactly he was holding. "Agh!" And the golf club fell out of his hands and onto the floor.

"Aw…" Margot said with a laugh. "You conquered your fears and saved Uncle Youtan, Papa!"

"Yeah, yeah…" he said, standing up rather slowly. "I can't believe I got this trashed and after only four beers…I need the bathroom…"

He stopped on his way when Aaron grabbed his arm. "What! Why is everyone so interested in my…oh, my….my…"

Schuldig looked down at his arm that had a small, round growth over the slash he had mysteriously achieved.

"Hey…Uncle Youtan has one of those, too…" Erin said as she leaned over her uncle's unconscious body. "I rolled him over on his side and he has one on his shoulder."

"So…you're both pregnant?" Farfarellow asked.

Schuldig looked around the room, apparently getting very disoriented and dizzy. Finally, he had enough of the dizzying affects of shock and alcohol, and ran into the bathroom.

"I have a feeling Estet is going to have a field day…" Crawford said, burying his face in his hands.


End file.
